


Understanding

by blackjack34212



Series: Ramblings [12]
Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-26
Updated: 2015-10-26
Packaged: 2018-04-28 04:25:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5077714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackjack34212/pseuds/blackjack34212
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Writing this at 12 in the morning, I can't sleep, I can't think about anything else. I have to say, that you can tell by reading this story how it starts to change near the end, and so did my mood. Writing this has single handily helped me more than I could have imagined. To the person addressed in this letter: I hope we are still good, and I hope I haven't lost you yet, because I'm ready to pour all I have into this, I'm ready to not hold back from you anymore, I'm ready to dig up all my lost wisdom, all my knowledge, I'm ready to help you again. I'm ready for you, and I'm sorry it took me so long to fix this all. Please, if you still have the same passion you did that one Friday night (when we were painting), don't hold back anymore, because It confuses me too much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Understanding

      This is rational right? “ _Of course”._ No, that’s not me thinking… Is it? I’m so confused. Is it rational to decide to not look for understanding? “ _Of course”._ But, is being blue better than being over it? Understanding… do I even want understanding? I hate this, this confusion. But, you never know if you don’t try right? Maybe, I ought to keep going, and not give up. _I’m not a quitter._ Am I? I wish I didn’t have this battle in my head. _Damn this anxiety._ It makes it hard to distinguish what are my thoughts, and what are irrational thoughts. I need someone to help me, someone who can see clearly. I guess, I need to take _your_ advice. I just am worried as to what the answer will be.

       I’m scared to ask for help, just because that help I need will hurt me more. _Selfish._ I’m so selfish. It’s not all about me, I just want one thing in this world, _one thing_. Everything else can be put in the dust. Everything else can be left up to you, or left to God. It’s funny I say that I trust God, but when I look to the future, I wonder if that will change? ‘ ** _God knows the desires of your heart_**.’ If that’s true, then I pray that my one desire will be fulfilled. I want to be the best I can be. I’m scared as to where I will end up if that desire is lost. _Probably bleeding out on the floor_. **_Stop it_** _._ I too often think that way. Why?

      I talk to God daily, yet… I never hear any of my questions answered. It’s all so confusing. What am I supposed to do when I have no direction, when my only plan is to keep walking blind, but not alone? I guess that is my one desire. Understand, my one desire is… _sigh_. You know _I’m broken_ when I can’t even type out what I want to scream. When will all this confusion pass? My flesh screams that it’s when I get you. My soul says it’s when I pass from this world, into the next. But my heart? My mind?

      My mind says it will never pass. My heart says a lot of things. But, I think my heart says that the confusion will pass when I commit entirely to one cause. For a long time, I was scared to commit, because I thought that meant losing someone I cared for more than anyone else. But this weekend helped me see something. That person I care for: _you_ , are going down the path that I was already far down, but I stopped and turned around to look for you. That’s where the confusion set in. Because, I felt like I was back tracking in my faith. When In reality, I was just waiting for you.


End file.
